Bachelor Recap: These girls are CRAY CRAY!
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Bachelor Recap: These girls are CRAY CRAY!

CHRIS SOULES

When the ABC franchise selected Chris Soules to be the next Bachelor, I was nervous this season was going to be a bore.

It appears the producers felt the same, as they have more than made up for any of Soules’ dramatic shortcomings with their contestant selection.

These girls are bats*** crazy.

Ashley S. is actually certifiable (which can make me sad if I think about it too much), Jillian thinks she’s on a “strongest woman alive” reality show competition, Megan doesn’t know what “the senses” are, Mackenzie can’t stop talking about alien invasions and don’t even get me started on Ashley I.

What a pleasant surprise. (Cue: evil cackle)

Recap:

Intending to explore the girls’ “natural” sides, Chris takes a group date camping, where we find out Kelsey isn’t as much of a natural beauty as her dimples might suggest. She surprisingly wants to be anywhere but there, calling the date a “hell hole,” before whimpering to both producers and Chris about getting stung by a bee. This was after Kaitlyn and Ashley I. went skinny dipping. Also after we watched Ashley I. put in her hair extensions. #Natural

Ashley I. accosts Chris in his tent to tell him she’s a virgin, which she doesn’t do.

  Meanwhile back at the house, the rest of the girls greet Chris’ sisters, who are tasked with choosing Chris’ next one-on-one, Cinderella themed date. They choose the effortlessly beautiful Jade. The next day, a terrifying fairy godmother arrives to make over Jade (Umm… YOU’RE going to make me over?!), and Ashley I. goes berserk. And I quote: “I got…THIS DRESS…specifically for a princess-themed date.” — Ashley I., after putting on a gown in protest of Jade’s date. “All I want to do is go out on a date and dress like a princess.” She’s a real gem. Jade and Chris have a magical, shameless promotion of a date for the upcoming live-action Cinderella. She looks beautiful, though they fail to properly cover up her massive back tattoo.

On the final group date, Jillian rip roars through an obstacle course for a one-on-one date with Chris where she talks the whole time, offers him the “Would You Rather” of having to sleep with a homeless woman “with a bird in her hair,” or abstain from sex for five years, and gets sent home.

At the rose ceremony, Ashley I. finally explicitly tells Chris she is a virgin. He doesn’t kiss her, which sends her into full self-destruction mode. A highlight of this episode was definitely Ashley I. telling some of the girls that she is a virgin, and having Becca reply, “me too,” as in, so?

Megan has a “five senses” test with Chris, which is actually just a taste test where she feeds him fruit dipped in chocolate.

Brit finally scores some one-on-one time with Chris, which he uses to ask why he likes Kaitlyn. Chris momentarily forgets how to speak English, before awkwardly announcing to all the girls that if they’re not there for the right reasons, they can go home. No one goes home, because they have no idea what’s going on, until, of course, they are eliminated.

Eliminations:

Ashley S., this season’s TV gold, who departs by saying, “I feel nothing.”

Nikki, the pretty girl we never got to know

Juelia, the sweet mother of one with whom Chris shares an emotional goodbye

Jillian, who was eliminated on her date

Up next:

It looks like we finally get into the drama next week, with the teaser suggesting Chris and Carly get hot and heavy. I am going to ignore the fact that this was probably shamelessly misleading.

See you next Monday.

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