Colleen’s letter to her kids in the tone of Steve Harvey
Colleen Lindstrom

Colleen’s letter to her kids in the tone of Steve Harvey

Thursday, a memo was leaked from Steve Harvey wherein he let his employees know exactly how he would and wouldn’t interact with them (hint: it’s mostly about how he WON’T interact with them.) The memo reads as follows:

Good morning, everyone. Welcome back.

I’d like you all to review and adhere to the following notes and rules for Season 5 of my talk show.

There will be no meetings in my dressing room. No stopping by or popping in. NO ONE.

Do not come to my dressing room unless invited.

Do not open my dressing room door. IF YOU OPEN MY DOOR, EXPECT TO BE REMOVED.

My security team will stop everyone from standing at my door who have the intent to see or speak to me.

I want all the ambushing to stop now. That includes TV staff.

You must schedule an appointment.

I have been taken advantage of by my lenient policy in the past. This ends now. NO MORE.

Do not approach me while I’m in the makeup chair unless I ask to speak with you directly. Either knock or use the doorbell.

I am seeking more free time for me throughout the day.

Do not wait in any hallway to speak to me. I hate being ambushed. Please make an appointment.

I promise you I will not entertain you in the hallway, and do not attempt to walk with me.

If you’re reading this, yes, I mean you.

Everyone, do not take offense to the new way of doing business. It is for the good of my personal life and enjoyment.

Thank you all,

Steve Harvey

I, of course, was shocked that Steve Harvey would talk to anyone in such a manner, in a manner in which I would never even talk to my own children, and I certainly have some demands of them. So, Bradley tasked me with writing a letter full of such requests to my own children in the tone of Steve Harvey. I have done so thusly:

Good morning, Children. Welcome to your day.
I’d like you all to review and adhere to the following notes and rules for living with me, your mom, today.
There will be no asking me for anything while I’m in the bathroom. No stopping by or popping in. NO ONE. Not even if you’re bloody and you think you might be dying. I’m going to the bathroom. I want privacy.
Do not come to my bathroom unless invited.
Do not open my bedroom room door. IF YOU OPEN MY DOOR, EXPECT TO BE REMOVED.
If you are found standing at my door with the intent to see or speak to me when the door is closed, you will lose all snacking and screen privileges for the day.
I want all the ambushing to stop now. That includes anyone with the last name Lindstrom who arrived into the world through my baby doors.
You must schedule an appointment.
I have been taken advantage of by my lenient policy in the past. This ends now. NO MORE.
Do not approach me while I’m putting on my makeup or cooking dinner unless I ask to speak with you directly. Either knock or use the doorbell.
I am seeking more free time for me throughout the day.
Do not wait in any hallway to speak to me. I hate being ambushed. Please make an appointment.
From now on, please do not refer to me as MOM. I will be known as beautiful princess and lifegiver of everlasting beauty. Please refer to me only as that, so to minimize the repeated uttering of “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom.” Try saying it right now, “beautiful princess and lifegiver of everlasting beauty.” It’s a mouthful, isn’t it? So you should be able to say it just once, and if I don’t respond, it’s because I’m ignoring you. Leave me alone.
I promise you I will not entertain you in the hallway, and do not attempt to walk with me.
If you’re reading this, yes, I mean you.
Everyone, do not take offense to the new way of parenting. It is for the good of my personal life and enjoyment.
Thank you all,
Your Mom. (aka beautiful princess and lifegiver of everlasting beauty)
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Colleen

co-hosts "Colleen & Bradley" weekdays from noon to 3pm on myTalk 107.1.

Colleen & Bradley | Email | @mytalkcolleen

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