By popular demand, here is “The Day Von Stugen Asked For a Raise.” Lori has dramatically interpreted this classic on-air during The Lori and Julia Show several times over the years. Now you can impress your friend and loved one with this fine use of the English language.
The Day the Von Sugen Asked for a Raise
I, the Von Stugen, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.
Dear Von Stugen:
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work period.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative – you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You don’t always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed the assigned task…
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.